A New Hope

I don’t have the ability to see what plagues other humans, rarely do I even have the ability to see what plagues me. But today a tiny pebble was knocked loose and a little more light has shone in.

In many ways I am at a crossroads in life. I can see limitless different shifts that are opening and closing to me that I could choose, consciously or unconsciously, to step into. One of the biggest ones is about my career. Regardless of what others may think, I am extremely proud of the mountain I have climbed and the financial security I have obtained for myself. I certainly crave more at times and even the words I write here are braided with a texture of and a gesture towards monetization. But profitability and reduced hours are really only attempts to achieve the ultimate masculine goal of freedom. And this aspiration is where things have turned darker for me today.

I will write about it many times over because it is a powerful theme in my life, but previously unbeknownst to me, I experienced a safety of sorts by constantly aspiring to do things the right way with the belief that if things weren’t working out the way I wanted then I could just try a different way until I achieve my goal. The subtext is that there is a solution and I just haven’t found it yet.

But today I got hit with some hard possibilities. What if this journey doesn’t lead me to any real answers? what if my brain and body just aren’t capable of answering the questions I have asked and the years of teachers and journeys are a dead end or at best a distraction. And if that isn’t a hard enough pill to swallow already; what if I am never going to get the love I want, or be loved for who I am? The implications here are massive, especially in light of some other developments of late.

I secretly hold out hope that I am getting this one wrong too, but that is where I am today. Face down the barrel of a very big gun.