Intergenerational Trauma 101
At some point over the past year I was taught that so much of my reality was installed into me as a child. It landed the first time because it was presented to me artfully and with relevant examples (Thanks John Wineland!). What is crazy is just how many layers of truth I have uncovered in that sentiment in the intervening months.
The place I am in right now feels like bursts of clarity amidst a cloud of confusion. So when recently I came across a passage in Under Saturns Shadow, I had one of those cloud burst moments. The author noted that men haven’t been taught what it means to be a man and are just using personas as their proxy. So if you make a lot of money or sleep with a lot of women then you are a man. I know plenty of people that can lay claim to one or both of those references and are more confused than anyone else. Like a dog that has caught the car, they have no idea what to do with and see the accomplishment as inconsequential.
Knowing that I thought of successful men in those disciplines as Men, the idea really landed for me. And then I felt a wave of anger at my dad for not giving me better guidance (or any guidance to be more precise). I thought of how I was raised by the school system and given talks about sex and ethics from people that had ulterior motives. Then I realized that my dad probably left me hanging because his father did the same to him. And then I passed the buck from my grandpa off to people I have no recollection of ever knowing. I am not sure how much solace there is in this relay race but it did make it hard to point the finger.
But then I thought of what my grandpa did have: a controlling and critical wife who did not seem satisfied with the successes of anyone in my family. My mom used to talk about how critical my grandma was but failed to see the same behaviors in herself. At that point I looked at my own failed relationship and saw the same attributes and realized that my male line was either attracted to or created this specific trait. Now, candidly, I am the first of my male line to get a divorce, but ironically, it has also freed me from this pattern.
Not only am I actively working to become the sort of man that does not relate to or manifest this type of relationship, but I am also going to raise my boys to know what it means to be a man in this world. I am learning to create a container for them so that they will know how to create a container for their partners. Now I don’t know if we find these partners because they are just our energetic comfort zone from our childhoods or if these patterns are actually the ongoing work of our souls and the gateway to a deeper connection with the divine, but I do know for certain, and first hand, that these patterns are real, and dominating. And with some consciousness and attention these patterns can and will be broken and it opens us up to go deeper and with more love. I am still a novice in this area but if you want to engage with me on the matter please reach out to me on Instagram at DivinelyDeep or at MaxHeartDepth@gmail.com.
